Diary of a Deranged Island Castaway
by mythdreamer
Summary: just poking fun at Season 1. Ironic tone, suggesting impossiblecrazy explinations for just about everything. R&R if you get a laugh out of it.
1. Pilot Part 1

A/N: Okay, its supposed to be funny, and I try! I swear. Just poking fun at one of my favorite shows. Hopefully I can stick to it and do a whole season. And I know this idea of a Diary is old and has been beat around the head a lot, but I like poking fun! And this is the best way to do it! Although, I might try a Character POV some time... we shall see! Enjoy.

-MythDreamer

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Disclaimer: LOST isnt mine, sadly.

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**Diary of a Deranged Island Castaway**

**Chapter One - Pilot Part 1

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Blasted plane crashed on an island that appears to be uninhabited, however I suspect that there is a resort for rich people somewhere. I shall use my mental powers to get in. When I find it... where was I?...

On an island.

Any ways, hot guy in a suit ran around after the crash, trying to save every one. Didn't go so well. Then there was the Brit guy, who kept running for the bath room on the plane, (suspect he either has diarrhea or is stoned. Or both.), but he was looking around like a kid who lost his mommy and he nearly got smashed by the plane when it blew up. Every one settled down to TV Dinners after hero-guy Jack took his shirt off (did I mention RAWR?), and talked that chick Kate into sewing him up. I was totally grossed out, and left them alone, considering I know he was in no shape to get in on, regardless of how she was looking at him.

And did I mention the bald man who went around shoving his foot in peoples faces and saying "Look! Look, I can wiggle my toes!"? I suspect he has been smoking hash while the Brit was doing his business with the diarrhea.

Also, crazy Toe-Man's feet stink. I suspect he has Athletes foot.

Later, after it got dark and everyone got comfy, (there was lots of cuddling. Hick guy who is waaaay to tan not to have spent some time at the salon... and Iraqi, who is also amazingly hot, slipped off talking, I suspect them of cuddling.); any ways, after everyone settled down, this weird thing started throwing trees in the darkness. It was PITCH BLACK, but we ALL SAW IT! (Of course we all saw it, its only like one of the greatest sic-fi movies ever made... RAWR... you did see it, didn't you? Oh well... un-literate anti-sci-fi people.). So then, unwisely in my opinion, we all LAID DOWN AND WENT TO SLEEP.

But, I'm not Dr. Jack Shephard, so my opinion that we should all throw ourselves into the ocean before the Beast gets us, was ignored.

Slept pretty good, except the Korean lady kept talking in her sleep. I wonder if her husband knows she speaks English?

**Other Questions to Muse on:**

Why does the 'rock god', Charlie, look like Pippin from Lord of the Rings?

Why on earth is that chick, Shannon, letting her brother cuddle with her like that? And seriously, I don't think their even related...

Did I mention that her 'brother', Boon, is a total twit? Lifeguard my ass.


	2. Pilot Part 2

A/N: Yeah... this one is longer because I wrote the first one and then decided I needed to make sure I wasn't blurring the Eps together, so I watched this one again... and then I watched like three more. Soo... the lines are a little blurry! If I messed up, sorry fellow fans.speaks like the French Shrimp on Finding Nemo I am ashamed.

LOSTen is not mine. :'(

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**Diary of a Deranged Island Castaway**

**Chapter Two - Pilot Part 2

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**

There was a lot of ruckus this morning, Toe Man turns out to be John Locke. He ate the last orange. What I want to know is where did he get them in the first place? I specifically asked for oranges on the plane and they told me they didn't have any. Maybe they gave him the last of them so he wouldn't stick his feet in their faces and tell them he can wiggle his toes.

Then, having found out that Toe- I mean Locke- ate the last orange, I deiced to go with Jack and Kate to keep an eye on them. Don't want any Jate ships going on. Jack is a total turn on with the 'Hero' stuff. Stoner Charlie came and couldn't stop talking about his band. For a while I thought he was possessed because he kept singing "you all everybody" under his breath while walking behind Kate. I suspect he was trying to seduce her with his singing, but he totally sucks, so I don't think its going to happen. When that didn't work he changed tactics to talking non-stop about himself. This angered Jack who threatened to throw him off a cliff. I pointed out to him that we were in the middle of meadow and he GROWLED at me. Can't decide if he was flirting or if the Island is having some sort of animal effect on the men and he was asserting himself as the alpha male.

Interesting to think about.

We _finally _made it to the cockpit of the plane. In the rain. I made a comment about why they would name it 'cockpit' and Jack growled at me again. So we all climbed in, and while Alpha Jack and Kate were looking for the transmitter (more like looking for excuses to feel each other up), I told Charlie "Watch, In a minuet the pilot will wake up", and Charlie just kept talking about his band. So I interrupted him by asking why he looks so much like Pippin in Lord of the Rings. About that time the pilot woke up (as predicted) and Charlie bolted (if that's possible in a near-vertical plane) into the bathroom and locked the door. I dunno if it was the pilot waking up or me asking about the Hobbit business.

Any way, pilot guy blunders around looking for the transmitter, _after_ Alpha Jack told him to be still and growled at him. All goes well, except the transmitter doesn't work. Then, just like I predicted, The Beast came to get us. Stupid pilot who wrecked the plane _sticks his head **out**__of the window_. Naturally Beast gets him.

Oh and did I mention that when Jack asked where Charlie was I said: "He's in the bathroom." and Jack growled at me. Again. Kate went looking for him, heh, I laughed when he burst out of the bathroom and scared her.

Any ways, after long scary run from the beast, during which Jack disappeared and never explained where he went, (I suspect he was chatting with the Beast about payment for killing the pilot.), we returned to the beach and _didn't_ tell any one about poor pilot. I was so disturbed I needed a nap. That didn't last long.

Couldn't ever really get to sleep because the Hick was fighting with the Iraqi. Cuddle must have turned sour last night. At least I know their names now: Sawyer and Sayid. Convinced Sawyer's name is not Sawyer, since I could have sworn I hear Sayid whispering "James" last night, but, considering the fact that the cuddle went wrong, I decided not to bring it up. Hero-Jack had to break it up. Michael helped, and everyone else just stood around, except me. I was still hiding under a blanket. Im convinced The Beast is coming for us.

Sayid started working on the radio. Sawyer still pouting over cuddle.

Sayid let hike into the wilderness to 'reach higher ground' with the radio. I think he was just trying to get a cuddle with Kate, and then all these other people started going. Sawyer came, and he and Sayid kept throwing "you ruined the cuddle" looks at each other. So we hiked... forfreakingever, and then all we get is a French woman saying things like "they're all dead". We proceed to _camp out in the dark_. I was very upset until I sneaked off to go pee. There, in the tall grass I found a magic carpet, like on Aladdin. I didn't know they were real! But I used it to return to the beach.

Slept pretty good, and was pleased with the 'seen a ghost' looks on the faces of the Radio Heads. I guess they thought the Beast got me.

**Questions to Ponder:**

Why Alpha Jack growls all the time.

Why all the guys are hitting on Kate. Its not like there aren't other hot chicks on this stupid Island. Like ME.

What's with Charlie chanting "you all everybody" all the time? It doesn't even make sense. I hate Rock.


End file.
